To My Dearest Darling
Honey, I am leaving you this note because I have to leave. It’s over. I know you have a hundred questions to ask. I’ll answer them. I know we have been together for long now. 3 years? And I’ve seen you grow. I’ve witnessed you unfold. I’ve known you inside-out. While you have the ability to shine like the sun throughout the day, I am aware of what follows when twilight hits the sky and darkness seeps in.
I remember sitting in the dark corner of your room while you lay wide awake staring blankly at the ceiling. I won’t forget how your mind wandered like a hurricane at 3 in the night. You thought of the past and the future; Of the things that happened and of those that might never take place. Your mind filled with beautiful yet awful thoughts. And I’ve not forgotten the times when I held you close to me while you cried your eyes out. I don’t remember you screaming but you did talk about the demons that haunted you. And when everyone would adore the radiant and vibrant colors of the rainbow, I remember you complaining about it being in different shades of black. I’ve seen you starve yourself, making excuses that you’re on a diet.
I remember people complimenting you, for the way you could carry bright colours. Recall that rainbow dress? I loved it too. You always had an eye for fancy and bright stuff. People would always question you about the smile that never seemed to leave your face. If only they knew. People don’t realize that saddest form of sadness is not gloomy colours or a frown constantly hovering over that face. It is not the look of dismay. Because sadness doesn’t look like sadness at all. Infact, it is a smile plastered on despite the tears beneath. It is the afternoon with its colors full of vibrance; fading away slowly. It is the way your eyes defy that beautiful smile.
I don’t remember how we started. I believe this was meant to be. All these years I’ve wanted to save you for myself. Just the two of us. We’ve spent so much time together that I thought you’d finally be able to accept me. I thought you’d weclome the fact, that with you I am a five year old who would cling to you even when you have your hands full. All I wanted was to remain your dirty little secret. We had made a pact. Remember? Ofcourse you don’t!
While writing this I recall the time when you’d cut everyone out to be with me. You made hundreds of excuses for not making it to that pool party or for that shopping trip. Rejecting everyone you’d return to my embrace. Still and Serene. Calm and quiet. While I enjoyed stroking your hair you lay there, almost motionless.
I admit we never did talk much. Talking made me feel sick. So we agreed to stop feeling and drifted towards numbness. I wanted you to focus on me as much as I focused on you. All your attention, all your time and all your energy were supposed to be mine. ALL MINE.
Then I remember you getting restless. You complained about not being able to feel anything. You wanted to feel pain, but I won’t let you. Once when you wanted to get free of my hold, I remember gripping your wrists so tight that blood came gushing out. It was warm and red. You thought you could feel something. And now your body looks like a map marked with scars that run through you like a train track with no destination.
I will never forget you carving a tattoo on your wrist that read “lonely” and that note on the Mirror of your bathroom which said “ugly”. I was hurt. How could you be lonely when I was there? Was I not enough for you? You always had all of me. I could never get enough of you.
But you decided to betray me. We had decided to keep this affair private. I was happy being your untold secret. It was meant to be between the two of us. Concealed and hidden. But you decided to make it official. You went to see your friend. Told her about me. I knew she wouldn’t understand our relationship! I kept begging you to return to me. But you spilled it all. And she said she’d help you. You leaned in for comfort. She asked you to take it day by day. You followed her instructions. She asked you to talk and you did. You chose her over me.
And now I have to leave. I have to go because you are no longer only mine. Because now you’re socializing again. You now eat that ice-cream without bothering about those extra kilos. You make commitments and keep them. You are speaking up again. Smiling again. And this time this smile reaches your eyes.
You never cared that while you were cold- I, was your only blanket. Now you have more people to go to. You now talk to someone I clearly despise. Tell Hope- This isn’t over. I am leaving. But I’ll be back. Very soon. And you will be mine. All. Mine.
I remember sitting in the dark corner of your room while you lay wide awake staring blankly at the ceiling. I won’t forget how your mind wandered like a hurricane at 3 in the night. You thought of the past and the future; Of the things that happened and of those that might never take place. Your mind filled with beautiful yet awful thoughts. And I’ve not forgotten the times when I held you close to me while you cried your eyes out. I don’t remember you screaming but you did talk about the demons that haunted you. And when everyone would adore the radiant and vibrant colors of the rainbow, I remember you complaining about it being in different shades of black. I’ve seen you starve yourself, making excuses that you’re on a diet.
I remember people complimenting you, for the way you could carry bright colours. Recall that rainbow dress? I loved it too. You always had an eye for fancy and bright stuff. People would always question you about the smile that never seemed to leave your face. If only they knew. People don’t realize that saddest form of sadness is not gloomy colours or a frown constantly hovering over that face. It is not the look of dismay. Because sadness doesn’t look like sadness at all. Infact, it is a smile plastered on despite the tears beneath. It is the afternoon with its colors full of vibrance; fading away slowly. It is the way your eyes defy that beautiful smile.
I don’t remember how we started. I believe this was meant to be. All these years I’ve wanted to save you for myself. Just the two of us. We’ve spent so much time together that I thought you’d finally be able to accept me. I thought you’d weclome the fact, that with you I am a five year old who would cling to you even when you have your hands full. All I wanted was to remain your dirty little secret. We had made a pact. Remember? Ofcourse you don’t!
While writing this I recall the time when you’d cut everyone out to be with me. You made hundreds of excuses for not making it to that pool party or for that shopping trip. Rejecting everyone you’d return to my embrace. Still and Serene. Calm and quiet. While I enjoyed stroking your hair you lay there, almost motionless.
I admit we never did talk much. Talking made me feel sick. So we agreed to stop feeling and drifted towards numbness. I wanted you to focus on me as much as I focused on you. All your attention, all your time and all your energy were supposed to be mine. ALL MINE.
Then I remember you getting restless. You complained about not being able to feel anything. You wanted to feel pain, but I won’t let you. Once when you wanted to get free of my hold, I remember gripping your wrists so tight that blood came gushing out. It was warm and red. You thought you could feel something. And now your body looks like a map marked with scars that run through you like a train track with no destination.
I will never forget you carving a tattoo on your wrist that read “lonely” and that note on the Mirror of your bathroom which said “ugly”. I was hurt. How could you be lonely when I was there? Was I not enough for you? You always had all of me. I could never get enough of you.
But you decided to betray me. We had decided to keep this affair private. I was happy being your untold secret. It was meant to be between the two of us. Concealed and hidden. But you decided to make it official. You went to see your friend. Told her about me. I knew she wouldn’t understand our relationship! I kept begging you to return to me. But you spilled it all. And she said she’d help you. You leaned in for comfort. She asked you to take it day by day. You followed her instructions. She asked you to talk and you did. You chose her over me.
And now I have to leave. I have to go because you are no longer only mine. Because now you’re socializing again. You now eat that ice-cream without bothering about those extra kilos. You make commitments and keep them. You are speaking up again. Smiling again. And this time this smile reaches your eyes.
You never cared that while you were cold- I, was your only blanket. Now you have more people to go to. You now talk to someone I clearly despise. Tell Hope- This isn’t over. I am leaving. But I’ll be back. Very soon. And you will be mine. All. Mine.
Yours. Only Yours,
Anxiety
Anxiety
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